Oops I Sexted Again

It was a Tuesday morning and I was jolted awake when I rolled over at 5:00 A.M., glanced at my phone for a time check, and saw a picture of an unfamiliar man’s penis. It was loudly and proudly erect on my i-phone screen. In my groggy state I had to wonder what I had done in my sleep and possibly the night before. I surely didn’t ask for this sext, but I had to do a quick memory scan before I could be certain. After I fully awoke, I realized that the text came from Mr. (Virtually) Perfect (a man who had ditched me before our first date about two month prior). The text that was sent right before this was “are we still on for tonight?” His response two months later: a picture of his shlong and a nice, heartfelt message: “I can’t wait for you to get home. I’m ready.”

Now let’s back track a few months; I talked to a very charming, young man that I had met once again through the whole online dating scene. When we first started talking, I was immediately smitten because he really made me laugh; he had such a funny way about him which is hard to do over texting and emails, but he really had it down…… In addition, he is a business owner, seemed to have his life in order, and is definitely handsome. I thought- score- this might be the one.

Well, when we had plans to go out on a Sunday night to grab a drink. I texted him on Saturday night (a bit too late at night) and asked if we were still on for the next day. When I didn’t hear from him, I assumed it was because of my “too late text” from the night before. Time went on (about a month and a half) and I had completely forgotten about Mr (Virtually) Perfect until one fine morning when I woke up to a text of his, yes, penis.

At first I was offended. I thought it was a joke to the text that I had sent months prior. Then I realized this text was clearly not intended for me. My response this time: “you might want to be careful who you send picture of your wiener to.” In Mr (Virtually) Perfect’s witty way, he actually had me laughing about the situation in no time. He made a few jokes about it being an ice breaker; he suggested all relationships should start this way- with no secrets. In the end, he convinced me to meet him for a drink. What did I do? Agreed.

The date was actually awesome; we enjoyed ourselves quite a lot…. laughed for a sufficient time about the sext, talked for hours, and even kissed at the end of the night.

In the end, I didn’t hear from him again afterwards. I thought of a few reasons why not; They range from “he felt he owed me the kiss since I had already seen his goods” to “he must have found a girl who sexted him back instead of responding with a juvenile response like mine using the word ‘weiner’.”

One way or another, should I be surprised? Not in the slightest. After all, our “rekindled” connection started by him sending that message to someone else. Am I a hopeless romantic or what? Desperate? Understanding? Not sure, but I do have another note to self (and anyone out there listening)- don’t date men who send other girls pictures of their Johnson (on a Monday night, at that). I hope we all learned something here today; Don’t sext and date.

Til next time,

MissMatch

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Bald, Broke, and Belligerent

After a few drinks with girlfriends over the weekend, and me sharing some of my hilarious stories that have occurred while online dating, I was convinced to start this blog. I can’t take credit for the name MissMatched but I do take FULL credit for all of the prince charmings that I have attracted over the last 6 months (well in the last 27 years in life) while surfing the interwide web for babes. If you are bald (confession-I actually find this super sexy), 5’5″, broke, or have major mommy and daddy isues, I’m your gal. If you are all four of these things: look no further; it’s me….. I am what you are looking for and I can’t wait to fall in love with you so you can break my heart. It is going to be perfect!

I try to tell myself that the reason I attract guys like this is because my parents love each other and me an insane amount, I have my dream job, my friends are amazing and other than the lack of love, my life is well, peachy keen.  After I say this to myself a few times after yet another failed relationship, I take a step back and become real honest with myself and admit- actually it’s just because you’re dumb.

In all other senses of the word dumb, I’m really not. But when it comes to dating I so AM. I don’t know how to say no to people, my heart is officially and always plastered on my sleeve, and I feel bad for everyone (the bald and the broke, the Napolean and the Oedipus, the lonely and disheartened- you get the picture). Note to self- if you live at home, buy lotto tickets when you’re borrowing money from your girlfriend for gas money, or get inappropriately, visibly upset when Notre Dame “f&*@S up the game” run far, far away- even if you think you can fix the bald, broke, and lonely.

Anywho, when I ventured onto the online dating scene, I thought these trends were going to stop. I figured I would look at the pictures, occupation/education section, and shoot some super adorable and witty emails back and forth while screening the shit out of these guys and my knight in shining armor would come marching in, right? WRONG! (I did have one guy who literally fell in my lap after so many drinks but that’s for another time, another blog).

So far while doing this “online thing” I have had the guy who left me a 2 minute and 50 second message explaining how he messed things up already. At one point he literally said- “stupid, stupid, stupid.” I couldn’t help but picture him slapping his bald, yes bald, head as he repeated the words “stupid” into my voicemail. P.S. I had never met the guy or even heard his voice.

I had the guy 35, oh wait, he lied, 38 year old guy who got smashed after 2 glasses of wine on date 2; I think I liked him on the first date because he had a nephew with Downs Syndrome- this isn’t a joke. And the guy whose name was Massimo- yah…. okay…. Massimo…. who also turned out to be a mega liar. During one date he had a sister who lived in Italy (who tried to kill him by the way) and on the next date, poof, he didn’t have a sister at all. *Sigh- my dreams of vacationing with Massimo and his sister in Italy shattered At least it was fun to say his name to people.

All of the men described above, I went on more than one date with. I know, it’s pathetic, right? But after all Special Needs children, bald heads, liars, and cheaters are my kryptonite. I need to find myself a Superman not a kryptonite, but until then, I will have the stories of me, the bald, the broke, and the belligerent.

Til next time,

MissMatched