Bald, Broke, and Belligerent

After a few drinks with girlfriends over the weekend, and me sharing some of my hilarious stories that have occurred while online dating, I was convinced to start this blog. I can’t take credit for the name MissMatched but I do take FULL credit for all of the prince charmings that I have attracted over the last 6 months (well in the last 27 years in life) while surfing the interwide web for babes. If you are bald (confession-I actually find this super sexy), 5’5″, broke, or have major mommy and daddy isues, I’m your gal. If you are all four of these things: look no further; it’s me….. I am what you are looking for and I can’t wait to fall in love with you so you can break my heart. It is going to be perfect!

I try to tell myself that the reason I attract guys like this is because my parents love each other and me an insane amount, I have my dream job, my friends are amazing and other than the lack of love, my life is well, peachy keen.  After I say this to myself a few times after yet another failed relationship, I take a step back and become real honest with myself and admit- actually it’s just because you’re dumb.

In all other senses of the word dumb, I’m really not. But when it comes to dating I so AM. I don’t know how to say no to people, my heart is officially and always plastered on my sleeve, and I feel bad for everyone (the bald and the broke, the Napolean and the Oedipus, the lonely and disheartened- you get the picture). Note to self- if you live at home, buy lotto tickets when you’re borrowing money from your girlfriend for gas money, or get inappropriately, visibly upset when Notre Dame “f&*@S up the game” run far, far away- even if you think you can fix the bald, broke, and lonely.

Anywho, when I ventured onto the online dating scene, I thought these trends were going to stop. I figured I would look at the pictures, occupation/education section, and shoot some super adorable and witty emails back and forth while screening the shit out of these guys and my knight in shining armor would come marching in, right? WRONG! (I did have one guy who literally fell in my lap after so many drinks but that’s for another time, another blog).

So far while doing this “online thing” I have had the guy who left me a 2 minute and 50 second message explaining how he messed things up already. At one point he literally said- “stupid, stupid, stupid.” I couldn’t help but picture him slapping his bald, yes bald, head as he repeated the words “stupid” into my voicemail. P.S. I had never met the guy or even heard his voice.

I had the guy 35, oh wait, he lied, 38 year old guy who got smashed after 2 glasses of wine on date 2; I think I liked him on the first date because he had a nephew with Downs Syndrome- this isn’t a joke. And the guy whose name was Massimo- yah…. okay…. Massimo…. who also turned out to be a mega liar. During one date he had a sister who lived in Italy (who tried to kill him by the way) and on the next date, poof, he didn’t have a sister at all. *Sigh- my dreams of vacationing with Massimo and his sister in Italy shattered At least it was fun to say his name to people.

All of the men described above, I went on more than one date with. I know, it’s pathetic, right? But after all Special Needs children, bald heads, liars, and cheaters are my kryptonite. I need to find myself a Superman not a kryptonite, but until then, I will have the stories of me, the bald, the broke, and the belligerent.

Til next time,

MissMatched